The Art of Hard Conversations
Takeaway:
Leaders approach hard conversations in many different ways, but one common trait is a sense of uneasiness. Talking to another staff person to share disappointment, a need to improve, or possible dismissal is very challenging and can feel hard to get right. Doing it well can let the person move on or improve with dignity and a sense of purpose, while getting it wrong can feel devastating.
Having Hard Conversations:
During my first quarter as a school administrator a senior leader directed me to fire six people from my staff. I was shocked to be given such a task, especially as that leader was the one who hired these staff members. Regrettably, I set about having very tough conversations with all six employees separately to let them know that they were being let go in the next couple of weeks. I knew that this was my first real test in being an administrator.
Having such conversations is life changing for the staff person. They are losing or possibly losing the job that they and their family is dependent upon. This creates a massive sense of insecurity which can escalate the conversation. Such talks should not come about lightly, so following due process is incredibly important.
The following are recommendations from a favorite podcast of mine, Entreleadership, in which the person being interviewed, Brandon Wovchko, is the resident expert of having hard conversations and routinely trains 30+ leaders on the art of how to do so.
Get Straight to the Point
As recommended by Wovchko, one of the worse things that we can do as a leader is to exchange so many niceties and gentle small talk that the person that we are having the hard conversation with is confused at the end. Clarity is absolutely essential both for the sake of communication and for the the person receiving the communication. Therefore, after the initial and brief greeting and everyone is seated, let the other person know just how serious this conversation is. Say something like, “I want to be up front that this will be a serious conversation…” or “To be clear on the purpose of our conversation, we will be talking about some challenges that are concerning and must be addressed…”
Relieve the Immediate Anxiety
After hearing that this conversation will be a serious or poignant one, the other person’s mind may begin to race. The quick reaction and emotional response may lead them to think they are being dismissed or something very bad is about to happen. Let them know that “No one is losing their job today,” along as that is true. This will allow the person to move from anxious curiosity (before the meeting) to being on alert (at the beginning of the meeting) to focus (after letting them know they are not being fired today). This way the attention can go from thinking through all of the possible outcomes to the core of what needs to be communicated.
Address the Problem
Now that the groundwork is laid for the conversation to really begin, it is time to clearly identify and address the problem. Be sure to state how long this has been a problem and how it has impacted others or the organization. Focus both on the importance of solving this problem and optimism for how it can be solved. Try to avoid mentioning names or anything that would allow the conversation to go in other directions, instead keep the stated problem front and center on how you want and the other person needs to see this addressed and fixed.
Check In
For many, getting to this point means that the hardest part is behind. You have shared the seriousness of the conversation, addressed the problem, and now it is time to check in. Ask how the person is feeling and what their initial thoughts are. You may not like what they have to say, they could also be feeling a bit surprised. I know that even when I have had multiple conversations and we had previously talked about this being the next possible step, people are still not ready for it. Giving a little bit of time for the person to breathe and share can create headspace for processing and provide an opportunity to go a bit deeper. In the end, we are all humans serving humans, so checking in on this person can go a long ways and keep up the engagement, preventing the other person from checking out.
Move to Conclusion
These types of conversations are best kept short. Some people will try to drag them out for over an hour as curiosity and insecurity lingers. The more you talk or allow the other to talk past about 15 minutes the more distaste is created. After checking in, it is best to move along to explain the goals of the conversation, that successes can continue and that weaknesses are to be addressed. That after this, things will be corrected and we can move right along. But, if issues persist, the conversation can change to one more punitive or possibly dismissal. Make it clear you and your organization’s stance on this, allow for a few questions, and then end the meeting.
A great tip introduced in the fore mentioned podcast is to stand up and head toward’s the door, then make a final question and comment. Ask, “If there is any confusion or questions that linger after this, please come back and let me know. I am here on your side and I know this can be corrected, I am pulling for you.”
Don’t Forget Dignity
The purpose of this conversation is to care for a person who may be struggling and to hold this person accountable for improvement as well. Through all of this, the receiver of this conversation may feel humiliated, which may come from surprise, fear, or embarrassment. Remember, each person is to be treated with dignity and by having this tough conversation, you are allowing them to respond also with dignity and improve. Should improvement not come or a poor response ensue, then it may be time to move along and look for a suitable replacement. But, if you keep dignity at the heart of the talk, you will be giving the other person every opportunity to succeed.
Summary
Having difficult conversations about the performance or behaviors from another staff member can be very uncomfortable for you both. Doing this well can lead to positive changes and a career saved. It is also possible that the receiver of the conversation may begin to see that their current job or organization is not a right fit for them. To avoid such conversations as a leader is a selfish act, one that if avoided can lead to the loss of that person and a loss of dignity. Be willing to share these tough talks out of love and care for the person and your organization. You can make a bigger impact than you know.